Well, lately I've been reading a lot of history. I guess it happened when I was learning about Chinese culture and religion. I found that my understanding of China from the 19th century to today helped me understand everything else going on in the world a bit better. So I decided to go back and look at WW2. I've done a lot of reading about the causes of WW2, including much of a biography of Hitler. At the same time I got a huge book on world history. It's like I'm trying to get some picture of history in my mind I can carry around all at once. It's like I'm trying to have a clearer sense of who and what I am by looking more thoroughly at where I am in history. It's a kind of culmination of my education.
On the other hand world history is disjointed enough that this desire of mine for this kind of integration is bound to be unfulfilled. And furthermore, if I succeed what will I gain? I'm hoping I won't feel so much like I'm floating in the middle of nowhere. But in order to not feel like that I have to have the context in front of my mind. Whenever this context is out of mind I will have the feeling of my mind floating in space. So, this sense of 'home' I'm looking for is bound to be intermittent no matter what.
The lack of orientation I feel is probably an outcome of losing my ambition and my sense of purpose. On the one hand, having the past before my mind might help me derive ambition or a sense of purpose, on the other hand, life has so constricted my choices regarding what I can do, where I can go, etc.. many purposes I might like to try are out of bounds.